


Hold On

by ourladyholmes



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 1914, Angst, Baz is a vampire, England - Freeform, Fangirl, Homophobia, Homosexuality, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, SnowBaz, Swearing, Teen Romance, Tragic Romance, World War I, carry on, rainbow rowell, simon is a normal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5969317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourladyholmes/pseuds/ourladyholmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s 1914. World War 1 has just begun rocking Europe to it’s very core. Simon Snow has just turned 17 and he wants to fulfill his duty of protecting Queen and country. Baz, Simon’s childhood friend, doesn’t want him to go. This is their story told between the letters exchanged between the two of them.<br/>‘Don’t stray somewhere I can’t follow Snow,’<br/>‘As if I could ever leave you behind,’</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enlisting

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone it's Shani! Also known as basilton-says on tumblr! I got inspired to do this fic from my creative writing course so I can't wait to share it with all of you. I am pre warning it's going to get extremely angsty at some points but bare with me please because I promise there will be a happy ending.

Baz,

At the risk of sounding like a total moron, that’s what you are definitely going to call me anyway, there’s something I need to tell you.

I’m sure you’ve heard about this… Upcoming war in Europe. I mean there’s nothing to be too worried about, after all the papers have confirmed that it will only last a few months! But… See here’s the thing. I know how cliché this sounds and I know, as much as I wish you would approve of this, you’re definitely not going to. Then again we haven’t always seen eye to eye have we? I think that’s what makes us such good friends… Sorry I’m kind of getting off of the subject. You know what I’m like.

Baz. I need to go. The other boys in the orphanage are going to sign up in a few days and… I think, no I know, I should go with them. I can already hear you scoffing and laughing ‘ _That’s because the other boys are idiots Simon._ ’ I don’t think they are Baz. I think they are kids just trying to do right by their country and hell maybe I want to do the same.

I’m not asking you to support this because I know you won’t ever support something like this. You hate death and destruction… But I’m warning you. If they come calling for you, you need to hide. I think you should go and stay with your father in the country side for a bit because I have this weird feeling that not everyone is going to be so keen to volunteer. I’ve always been a bit of a try hard.

If you were sent to war they would find out about your condition. Can you imagine that? They send you out to fight and you burn to death before you even can. I won’t allow it Basilton. You need to stay here, in England, where you are safe. I couldn’t… I wouldn’t be able to cope if anything happened to you ok? _You need to stay here._

You’re probably going to read this and say what about the promise I made? I know. I’m so sorry. You’re going to think I’m leaving you behind but Baz… that’s not the case. This is the only way I know how to protect you. You make me want to bold and brave. That’s type of person you need in your life and I swear that I can be that person. I made you a promise. I’m not going to break my promise; I will come back to you I swear on my mother’s life… which is ironic considering I don’t actually have a sodding idea who my mother is… Ok I swear on my life. Cross my heart.

Please for the love of Crowley DO NOT do anything stupid. I know you like the back of my hand and you’re definitely going to do something stupid. Can you please try and tone down the idiot inside of you while I’m gone? Pretty please. I don’t want to constantly be worried about you while I’m away. Then who am I kidding all I do is worry about you.

It’s hard to know how to end this letter… I’m actually kind of scared to say goodbye to you. Stupid right? Normally I want to get rid of you as soon as possible. Now I just-it’s almost like I’m scared when I stop writing this to you that this becomes even more real than it already is. No more peaceful afternoons with you down at the lake. No more warm evenings draped across your uncomfortable chairs in front of the fire place. No more Sunday walks or roast dinners. No more Baz and Simon.

I’m sorr- Sorry I really don’t… I need to end this letter. I will write to you. I swear it.

Yours,

Simon


	2. Don't go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz is adamant about stopping Simon.

Dear Simon,

You prat.

What the fuck are you even talking about? _‘I need to go.’_ You don’t need to bloody do anything. Jesus Christ. Have you even heard yourself? You sound like a fucking martyr.

It’s been two days. Two sodding days and you’re already thinking about enlisting? You’re impossible. How do you honestly think your support is going to help Snow? You’re weaker than water. You’ll be killed within minutes, no seconds, and somehow you still think that it’s oh so ‘brave’ and the ‘noble thing’ to do. Bollocks.

I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, but pretending to be a hero isn’t going to help anybody.

You can’t go. I forbid you to go. I don’t support this at all. I mean seriously what is going on in that ridiculously small brain of yours? You think that this is a smart idea? Even you’re not that stupid. You couldn’t even bring me this letter yourself, you delivered it to Fiona’s and ran. What were you too afraid to face me? Did you think I was going to talk you out of it? Because I’m going to do that whether you want to hear it or not.

You’re already breaking your promise. You are leaving me behind. Something you swore you would never do. And for what, so you can protect me? That’s such bullshit Snow. You’re trying to prove something and I wish to God I knew what it was. See now look what you’ve made me do. Use God’s name in vain when I literally have no reason to a.) believe in it and b.) use it in the first place. I’m part of the undead.

When I got your letter this morning it was like I was floating. I had lost myself in your words and all I could see was you dying in some bloody battlefield, your body mangled and broken. And so I came to a conclusion: You’re a self-less twat.

...I would go you know. If I wasn’t what I am. I would follow you to heaven and back (notice I didn’t say hell because that’s actually my domain). Sometimes you make me question everything. Who am I, what I want in my life… How can I be a better person? You’re so luminous, so bright and demanding for attention that you practically scream in my face ‘Look at me, look at me!’. The thing is though, I wouldn’t change that. Because you are pure sunlight Simon Snow, and you are worth every single burn that brands my body.

I find it ironic how you’re the one who says I’m going to do something reckless, when in actual fact you’re the one who is being the wild twat and buggering off to Christ knows where to be shot at. Why are you always so barmy?

You’ve always been barmy. From the very first day we met. You were so clumsy, always falling out of trees and you were absolutely rubbish at football. You couldn’t even kick the ball so much a metre without falling on your arse. You still can’t. It’s funny to think that if you hadn’t been a berk though; we’d have never met. You would have never tripped up in front of me in the corridor at school and I in turn would have never fallen over you. It’s funny looking back… Thinking that there was a possibility of us never meeting. Going our entire lives without knowing one and other. Who would I have been so nasty to? I can hear you laughing at that _‘Baz, you’re a bastard to everyone!’_ Yes, that’s true, but nobody but you has ever really tried to tolerate it… Don’t go.

Don’t stray somewhere I can’t follow you Snow.

In haste,

Baz


	3. Thanks for everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon cuts off his ties with Baz out of fear and rejection. So what does he do? He runs away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was horrible to write because not only does Simon pretty much tell Baz he loves him but he kind of admits how scared he actually is. Obviously being gay was illegal in 1914 so I'm finding it slightly difficult to out right say they are gay in the letters but that's not going to happen for a while yet anyway so... The next chapter has a twist and it makes me want to cry.

Baz,

_You didn’t come and see me off._

There are many things I can forgive you for, Basilton, but this is not one of them. You didn’t come and see me off.

I understand that your hurting. I get it. But really? Not coming to see me before I get deployed to Norwich was like a stab in the back. I haven’t even started active service in France yet. I waited for you. I stood there like a complete fool waiting for you by the sodding train and all the while you were sat at home, probably complaining to Fiona about something utterly stupid whilst I stood there and waited.

I don’t- What if- Baz that might have been the last time I ever saw you. The last time I got to latch my arms around your lanky frame and soak you into my skin. The last time I got to see your ruthless smile stretch over your cheeks, your messy black hair fall so gracefully that it makes you look like a 17thcentury painting and your eyes so deep that I feel like they are scrutinising my very soul. You, the selfish git you are, have taken these precious things way from me and for that I can never forgive you.

I thought best friends were supposed to support each other no matter? We did the shake Baz. When we were twelve years old, we spit on our hands and we shook on promising to be best friends forever. Did that mean fucking anything to you? I can particularly see you rolling your eyes, shit like that might mean nothing to you but to me it meant everything.

~~You meant everything.~~

So fine, be a selfish prat, I couldn’t give a flying fuck anymore. Any hope of us remaining friends has disappeared. And you know what the worst part of it is? How heart-wrenching it feels. The whole train journey I sat there and cried my eyes out like a god forsaken pansy. (Before you think it I know I’m a pansy, fuck off). The other lads in the carriage were looking at me as if I had gone off of my rocker. Snot and drool was spilling down my face like an out of control facet and I couldn’t stop. I just wanted you Baz. I wanted you to be there for me like I’ve always been there for you.

When your mother died who was the person who cradled you? When those kids pushed you out into the sunlight, who was the person who treated the burns on your arms? When your father kicked you out of the house because he couldn’t deal with the fact that he is ‘ _perfect_ ’ son was an undead being, who took you in? It was all me, Basilton, all me.

You have hurt me more in the last two weeks then in the 6 years that I’ve known you. And now I’m pretty much going to my death, I’ve tried to be optimistic but the newspapers have begun to write terrible things and the death account is so darn high, and you couldn’t give a shite.

I can’t write to you anymore. I have too many responsibilities here now and you clearly don’t care for our friendship enough to bother with it. This is my last letter Baz.

… Thank you. Despite the last two weeks being bloody dreadful- you were-you are the only constant thing in my life. Apart from Penny and Agatha of course but… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore.

Thanks for everything.

Yours,

Simon


	4. You are the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Simon's departure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically: Baz is hella gay and pining. This was upsetting to write..

 Dear Simon,

Your last letter had teardrops on it. Faded splatters dotted across the wrinkled paper.

I didn’t miss seeing you off. I watched you pull away from the platform and though you didn’t see me I chased your train until it disappeared around the corner.

I couldn’t get the car to work that morning. It’s almost like fate wanted to keep me from seeing you, it probably wanted to spare us both the pain. So I said fuck you, fate, and I hopped on the next bus to the station. There were so many people Snow. Families hugging one and other, lovers with tears running down their cheeks, children clutching on to their fathers and it was like a bolt of lightning had pierced through my flesh because of all a sudden I finally realised where you were going. And that there was a chance you wouldn’t be coming home. That your body could be returning to me battered and bruised instead of full life, full of your wonder.

Of course I’ve been hurting you great git… My best friend, my only friend, is going to die. I kept telling myself over and over that you were going to be fine. That I didn’t have to see you off and say goodbye to you because you would be back again soon. My mistake.

I’ve been a twat. (I’m only going to say that once.) Not only have I come to realise how selfish I’ve been but – and I can’t believe how long it has taken me to actually realise this-also the fact that hurting you hurts me. I cannot wound you without giving myself a scar. I’m sorry that I was too late. I’m sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye... But I did come and see you off Snow. I may have been hurting and upset with you but I would have never let you leave without saying goodbye. I’m just sorry I got there too late.

 _‘This is my last letter Baz.’_ I cried myself to sleep after reading that last line. You’ve barely been gone a week and it already feels like you’re dead. A whisper on the wind that is slowly beginning to fade. You don’t get to do that Snow. You don’t get to cut me off without hearing my side of the story. I saw you off. I watched the best thing in my life walk away from me and it cut me like a fucking knife.

Do you want to know the first thing I did when your train disappeared? I look down at my right hand. The hand I made our promise with. The hand which you had taken so many times before. I stood there and I thought to myself how courageous, how absolutely divine with madness you are. I stood there for what seemed like hours, but was only mere minutes, and I recalled our handshake and the promise we shared. When we were young we were both so filled with hope. Belief sparked in our veins. I believed in you Snow. I still do. You didn’t need to be a bloody hero for this country Simon. You were already mine.

I bumped into Wellbelove and Bunce a few days ago. Bunce’s eyes were rimmed with scarlet, her hair was a wild mess of thorns and brambles, her face looked haggard and emotionless. I asked her what was wrong and she didn’t answer me. Wellbelove, who doesn’t seem much better than Bunce, pulled me one side and hissed in my ear ‘ _She’s torn up over Simon! The entire neighbourhood is in mourning.’_ And she was right. Our whole street was grieving for you and the other boys. _‘So young! Too young for such a_ _wonderful boy to die!_ ’ Mrs. Bunce cried when she came out and joined us. I so snobbishly sneered at her and very nearly screamed that you weren’t dead yet. That you heart was still beating so rapidly in your chest, your eyes still so alive and full of stars and galaxies that nothing could ever possibly put them out. But I didn’t even really believe that myself so how was she ever going to. I wish I did believe myself.

I think my biggest regret is that I never taught you to dance. Remember? We were fourteen and you wanted to ask Wellbelove to waltz at the yearly school dance. I scoffed at you and said that there was no way in hell anyone would be caught dead dancing with you and your two left feet. You got so furious with me, you started to glide around my living room and for one moment you looked so radiant… And then you snagged your foot on the rug and went tumbling to the floor. I pissed myself laughing. You picked yourself up and gave me your infamous glare and grumbled: ‘ _Well if you’re so good at dancing why don’t you just teach me?_ ’ I’m sorry I never did.

When you wrote that I meant everything to you, even though you crossed it out, did you mean it? Because when I say that you mean everything to me I mean it. You aren’t just a star in my sky Snow, you are a constellation, the entire blooming galaxy all ravelled into one being. You are the sun. I swear your smile could make a million flowers bloom.

I owe my entire life to you.

So don’t you dare say that I don’t care about our friendship anymore. I know I’m a tit. But to quote you when we were sixteen ‘ _Baz, I maybe an absolutely wally but at least I’m your wally._ ’ I’m an inconsiderate wanker. However, I’m an inconsiderate wanker who is your best friend. You say run and I’ll come running to you Simon. Don’t ever forget that.

In haste,

Baz


	5. Still as a grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon hasn't responded to Baz's last letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick mention: Luncheon = lunch. I'm trying to incorporate old slang but sometimes it's hard because it still needs to fit Baz and Simon's characters.  
> I got really emotional writing this. Baz is so lost and it's angst and I just. Nope, nah, no. My sweet summer child is in pain... But anyway enjoy this emotional hell :))

Dear Simon,

It’s been two weeks.

I haven’t heard from you in two weeks, Snow, and I’m going out of my mind here.

Are you okay? You haven’t been deployed to France yet have you? I can’t feel your presence anymore. I’m ashamed to say that I’m fucking terrified. Did the other soldiers find the letters? Please. I need to know you’re okay. I’ve been smoking like a bloody chimney. I know you don’t like it when I smoke. ‘ _You’re flammable!’_ I don’t care. I need something to make me stop thinking.

It’s been four weeks since you got this frankly insane notion in your skull. Two weeks since your train left the station. If I had known a month ago that things were going to end this way, I would have taken you to my father’s house. We could have hid there together. Instead I’m hiding here alone. God, why did I let you go? What possessed me to actively support you on this – this mission of self-destruction.

Are you dead? I keep reaching for you Snow. Father says I scream your name in my sleep. It wouldn’t be a surprise. All I can see when I close my eyes is you. Your body still as a grave, your golden hair hidden under a metal lime hat and your eyes dead to this world. It’s not a surprise.

Snow. Snow. Snow. Snow. Snow.

Where does your body lie? Flat against a lumpy mattress… Arched in agony against the ground. I feel as if I’ve lost my existence. You’ve taken it with you. Everything I was, everything I am, you stuffed it in your suitcase and left. Where are you, you absolute twat, where are you?

Wellbelove and Bunce are worried too. All Bunce does is cry. Silent tears slipping down her cheeks, and she hopes we don’t ever notice them, but we do. We always do. I asked Wellbelove and Bunce to come and stay with me for the weekend. They’re the only things I have left of you, apart from the crinkled photographs that are taped to my mirror of us together. One of us at Brighton Pier, one of us in London, one of us on our last day of School... And then there’s the one I have hidden. The one of you and I, arms locked around one and other, grins so wide I swear our cheeks are about to burst, standing in Bunce’s living room. Wellbelove took it without either us noticing until the flash was blinding us. I’ll always be grateful to her for that.

But anyway they’re here for the weekend. I couldn’t stand the pitying looks that Daphne was sending me every damn time our eyes met. The way that Mordelia would crawl into my bed every morning and whisper _‘Simon will be okay.’_ I couldn’t cope. So I called them over here to wallow with me.

We went down to the lake this morning. Wellbelove stood near the edge, skimming little stones across the water’s surface and all three of us watched in awe as the ripples panned out agonizingly slowly against the current. She’s the only thing really holding me and Bunce together. If this is what you can even call ‘being held together’.  I used to wonder why you and Wellbelove never ended up together. It used to nag at my mind in the middle of the night. Today I was finally given an answer. She sat down beside me and with a shaky voice said ‘ _You know I asked Simon out on a date in Year 10.’_ My first reaction was utter bewilderment. My second reaction was white hot rage. You never fucking told me about this. _‘I was nervous for weeks and weeks before I asked him. And when I finally gained my courage I dragged him out of the classroom at luncheon and said in the loudest voice that I could manage if he wanted to go out on a date with me. You should have seen his face, Baz, his cheeks went all maroon, he looked like a tomato! And just when I thought he was going to say yes…_ ’ You said no.

I can’t describe to you how I felt in that split second. You said no. You turned down Wellbelove, a girl you have helplessly been in love with since the day you laid eyes on her… And you said no. I’m going to tell you something, something that you may not like, but I couldn’t have been more relieved. If you had said yes… You would have left me. You would have been forced to spend all your time with her. So thank you…You could have left me and you stayed.

~~I don’t share my friends Snow.~~

Please answer this next letter. I’m not sure how much more of this silence I can handle. I just need to know that the air is still sweetening your body, that flowers are still growing in your lungs and the sparkle in your eyes hasn’t faded. That’s all I ask. I don’t think I’m demanding much here.

And I swear to god if you are alive and well. I’m going to fucking murder you. Twat.

In haste,

Baz 


	6. It was you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon finally answers Baz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a filler chapter? I mean it is important because well.. You will see but Simon my lovely boy is back! Yas! The ending does make sense btw! You have to think back to a part in the letter which came slightly before it and then it will make complete sense and we we all rejoice!

Baz,

So sorry.

I couldn’t write to you. They took away my paper, my fountain pen, they restricted my food and well… I was tied to a flag pole. I can already feel the various emotions running through you as you read this. Anxiety, frustration, rage. _‘Who the fuck did this to you?’_ Excellent question Basilton. You always were so clever.

Okay so… You know I can be an arse? You of all people know how dumb I truly am. It happened last week, the General was screaming at these lads in training. You should have seen his face, Baz, you would have been in hysterics. Veins were pulsing and popping in his forehead, his eyes were bulging out of his skull and spit was flying everywhere. I swear if the man hadn’t already been bald, he would have been after that ordeal. Anyway we were learning how to shoot rifles that day. It reminded me of when we would take our BB guns out and shoot clay pigeons. I could never hit any of them but you… God Baz you made shooting some clay round things look like art. Flawless. Fucking ruthless you are.

… So anyway! We were learning how to shoot rifles. Load, aim, fire. That’s what the General taught us. The loading part was the most difficult. The General would have a handful of other soldiers to fire bullets into the air to make it seem like we were actually being shot at. It was fucking terrifying I tell you. And these two lads, they must be only fourteen Baz, they couldn’t handle it. They dropped their rifles and began to wail. Moans ripping from their throats. The whole squad stopped their training. Bewildered. Terrified. The General of course wasn’t pleased with this at all. He swaggered on over to these boys and right before my eyes he kicked them both to the ground.

What was I supposed to do Baz? Let him kick them over and over until they were dead? There’s a high price to pay for mutiny… I really didn’t want them to pay it. So, like the moron I am, I may… or may not have punched the General… And broken my knuckle in the process. Now wait! I know exactly what you are thinking _‘You bloody berk! You could have gotten yourself killed, are you asking for a death wish, blah blah blah_.’ Don’t be so overdramatic! God I swear Baz you should have been an actor.

As punishment for my ‘heinous’ crime, which to be honest I felt was entirely justified, I was to be stripped of all my privileges and to be tied to a flag pole until I learnt my lesson.

I… I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Can you tell Penny and Agatha I’m sorry too? I really am. When I received your letter it scared the absolute shit out of me. I’ve never seen you so manic. So… not in control? It really worried me. I’m so sorry.

You all need to stop wallowing and go on with your lives though. You need to go to University Baz. You said you were going to go and I still want you to. It’s the right thing to do. Obviously don’t go just yet. Wait a bit, I still wouldn’t want anyone to try and enlist you. 

I didn’t realise you were at the platform. It’s bringing tears to my eyes to think that you actually came to see me off. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me that you went. I wish I had seen you… I’m sorry for the way that I acted. Guess were both over dramatic gits eh? I didn’t mean to snap at you I- I just felt freaked out I guess. You were right when you said I was barmy.

As for what you… What you said in your last letter. Baz I. I did turn Agatha down. God I felt awful about it! You were right, I thought I was in love with her but… It was never her Baz. I don’t know how safe it is to write this. So I don’t think I can. But Baz you know it was never her. Always… Always…

I’m being deployed to France in about three weeks time. Gosh it seems insane. Only three weeks and that’s it. I’m off to war. Shooting Germans… I don’t want to kill anyone. I don’t want to be a monster! But I know it’s… Really I don’t know if this is the right thing to do anymore. They reel you in with promises of travelling, honours of bravery and to be able to protect people. People you love.

I need to go. It’s lights out and I really don’t want to piss the General off again.

Please take care of yourself. Send my love to Penny and Agatha.

Baz… _it was you._

Yours,

Simon


	7. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baz comes clean about his feelings... But at what price?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so hello loves! It's been some time, I am so sorry, and I'm hoping this chapter will make you all happy. For a while at least... We are almost at the worst point in the story. So enjoy this fluff while you can... c:

Dear Simon,

You fucking moron. What the ever loving fuck were you thinking?

I don’t want you to be a hero Snow. Honestly! You could have gotten yourself killed, you moron…. I can’t… Please look after yourself more. You’ve told me not worry about you but how can I not worry when you go around and be so reckless? Take care of yourself more.

I’m… I’m so relived your safe. I thought you were _dead_. Don’t ever do that to me again. Bunce has asked me to tell that the next time she sees you, she’s going to murder you. She’s going to have to get in line unfortunately.

I carry your letters around now. I keep them safe in my breast pocket. Right next to my heart. It makes me feel closer to you, is that strange? When I read them I can hear your voice echoing through the page and I can feel your warmth mixed in with the words you have written.

I’m going to Oxford soon. You were right about the soldiers… One came to my house and attempted to enlist me. I had to explain to the fellow that I had a chronic disease (I mean being dead technically counts rights?) and with a somewhat ashamed blush on his cheeks he scampered off. So I’m off the hook for the moment. I leave for Oxford on Wednesday and then I am to stay there until the term is over. I know it’s selfish but… I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be safe. Not when I know you won’t be in a matter of weeks.

Why did this have to happen? You never deserved any of this. You’ve always been too good Snow. I’ve hated you for that for years. Why were you chosen to go? You’d be the worse person to be chosen… But choose you they did. God knows why. Your weak. You always have been! You couldn’t even play football with the other boys in school, you’d sit there and make daisy chains with Bunce instead. You’re too weak… I just wish they had seen that.

But then again of course they wouldn’t have seen that. Because you’re courageous and valiant and I swear you’re the sun Simon Snow, I swear to God. You’ve always been far too bright for my world… Too brilliant, too demanding. However, I wouldn’t change that? It’s strange. The closer I get to you the closer I am to being burned. You are the sun and I’ve been slowly crashing into you since the day we met. I’ve loved every second of it, the thrill of being so close to you that my skin ached, the heat that has threatened to scold my pale flesh on one too many occasions. You’re too much and yet I can’t ever get enough. What have you bloody done to me?

I just wish we had more time. I would have given anything for us to have had more time. One more hour… One more day. There’s so much left unsaid between us, so many unanswered questions, sentences I never dared to finish and actions that I regret not having done. You took a huge risk for me in your last letter. You… You wrote that it’s always been me. Well I…

 _Simon I love you._ I love your stupid freckles that look as if they’ve been flickered onto your face by a paint brush, I love your eyes and how they are so full of divine beauty and life, I love your voice and the way you say my name… I love you. I’ve loved you since the day Mr. Crucible forced us to be dorm mates. I’d lost my mother, and my soul, and it was as if he knew-Mr. Crucible- that we were meant each other. That our losses would help us to heal one and other. I’d lost everything Simon and he gave me you.

Please hide this letter. I don’t even want to think about what will happen to you if your General finds it. Keep it next to your heart. Keep me in your thoughts.

Be careful… Don’t do anything reckless.

~~I love you.~~

In haste,

Baz


	8. Deployed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is deployed to France and begins to realise the reality of war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for being absent for so long!! I've been a busy bee, but I am back to inflict more angst on you all! c:

Baz,

We were deployed to France yesterday. They deemed us fit to go into battle. Our Generals didn’t wish us good luck, nor did they say goodbye. I could see in their eyes the repressed remorse. ~~The sympathy.~~

I was aware, though naïve enough to believe that my battalion would survive, that some of my comrades were going to die the moment they stepped onto the battlefield. It’s different though… when you actually witness it. Little Murray was the first one to get shot. Our new General had barked at us to stand in the middle of no man’s land and _‘dig for your ruddy lives!’._ Our trenches hadn’t been properly constructed yet, there was no shelter, not a place in the wasteland to retreat to. All I could see and smell was runny, wet mud dripping and oozing onto every man’s body. We had been digging for about twenty minutes when the guns started. Shells whizzing past my head and my men screaming out of fear. Poor little Murray. He had been shot whilst trying to retreat. Now his little chubby cheeks are seared onto my eyelids, I can’t sleep because the guns won’t stop and little Murray’s blank green eyes won’t leave me be. He was only thirteen Baz.

Sorry. I’ve been selfish witting on about myself, I haven’t even asked how you are, are you well? Has Oxford lived up to your expectations? I remember when we went to look around the University together, you kept insisting that we would both end up attending there one day. Sorry I let you down. I mean let’s be honest I probably wouldn’t be up to Oxford standards anyway. That doesn’t mean I’m not sorry.

I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, you know. You were an accident. You just crept up on me one day, (I mean Vampires tend to creep after their victims anyway but that’s beside the point), but I never intended for this to happen. You’re all I think about now Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch, the entire world could fall to pieces and I would still be thinking about you. It’s bloody irritating. Fuck sake – I miss you. I hate, absolutely blooming hate, not being able to see you, talk to you. Maybe I wouldn’t mind this war so much if you were here with me, then we could be scared together. But you aren’t here, Baz. I’m alone and absolutely terrified. We’ve lost twenty-three men already out of the sixty that arrived and I… Sweetheart I don’t think I’m going to make it back.

I can hear you from England. _‘How dare you think that Snow! You are going to come back._ ’ It’s not looking likely. The guns won’t stop. Bang! Bang! Bang! The Germans aren’t going to rest until every last Tommy in sight is dead and we’re living on borrowed time. Listen to me, you are going to be okay. You are going to have future, a life with your family, with Penelope and Agatha… Oh good God give my entire love to them both. If something happens to me, you have to promise me you will take care of each other. Don’t isolate yourself. I know you, and I know that if… If I can’t make it home, you are going to spend the rest of your immortal life traumatised and alone. Don’t do that Baz. You are a conductor of light, the sun can’t even outshine you, and the world needs you my dear.

I’m so sorry for having to even say any of this to you. I’m scared shitless. I didn’t think that it would feel this way when I got here. We weren’t warned that our friends were going to be slaughtered, that our hands would be stained with the blood of men we don’t even know. I’ve only been here for a short time and I can feel the death already settling on my skin, getting ready to rip me from this world. From you. I am so, so sorry. I should have never joined up, I never should have tried to play the hero. I am so very sorry, love.

Promise, promise, promise me that you will smile. That you will continue on with your life and flourish, love, breathe. Just live for me Baz, God just live. You’ve only just begun to bloom; you can’t let yourself wilt just yet.

Stay safe for me.

All my love,

Simon


	9. News From The Front

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter, which everyone dreaded to read, arrives from the front

Mr Tyrannus B Grimm Pitch  
Oxford University, Oxfordshire

Regret to inform you that Warrant Officer S.S. has been missing in action since the 23rd of August. Further details or other information will be delivered immediately. 

T M Sterling The Adjutant General


	10. Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Simon being reported 'missing in action'

Dear Simon, 

You're still missing. 

The letter was delivered to my University letter box about a week ago now, and you're still missing. Your letter, the one you had written me before you disappeared, arrived a few days later. A little too late. I can't sleep. I've failed to attend any of my lectures, and any of my so called 'eating habits' have gone out the window. I'm content to starve. 

 ~~You’re still missing~~. Father is threatening to pull me out if I don’t straighten up, according to him it’s not acceptable to mope over losing the love of your life. I couldn’t give a shit. I can’t feel you anymore, Snow. Before, even if we were a hundred miles apart, I could hear your heart beat softly in my ears. All I hear now is dead silence. Deep, deathlike, silence.

Simon, Simon, Simon. I’m burning for you, reaching out in the night for your body, and you’re never there. Why aren’t you there? I feel as though I’ve lost my soul, it’s slipped, it’s gone – searching endlessly for yours. Missing in action. I don’t understand why they even bothered, they might as well have sent a letter informing me that you were dead. That’s what it comes down to. They needn’t have bothered to tell me that you’re missing in action, it only raised my hopes for a split second that you could still be alive… but you aren’t. Missing in action letters always lead to killed in action letters. _You’re already dead._

 ~~You bastard, you absolute bastard, how dare you leave me here!~~  Wellbelove and Penny are in ruins. They came to Oxford immediately when I received the letter, Wellbelove is in a state of grieving – already in her black mourning attire, she sobs every hour and when I try to console her, she screams and hits my arms. I think in all of this madness; she blames me for not being able to stop you from going. I blame myself too. Penny, on the other hand, is in a state of denial. She sits in the ancient maroon chair which I brought from home, remember it was the one from my bedroom, the chair you so often occupied. Curled up like a cat. She rocks herself back and forth, back and forth, tears being restrained in her eyes and whispering repeatedly “Simon Snow is alive,” I can’t comfort her. She’s a mess of wild thorns and bitter berries, and I can’t bloody comfort her. How can I comfort her when you’re dead? I can’t bring myself to say the words aloud. Saying it makes it real. I find my tongue sticking like glue to the roof of my mouth when I want to just scream at Penny, that you’re dead, dead, dead, and you aren’t coming home. You aren’t coming back to us. You aren’t coming back to _me_.

Sometimes, I wish that I’d never figured out that I was in love with you. It’s only ever been a torment. I am Icarus and I have flown too close to the sun, and you have blackened, scorched and burned me. And now all I can think about is you – lying dead someone in filth, and mud, and God, you must be so alone. My Simon, my lost boy. Was it quick? Was it painful? I hope it wasn’t. Please, let it not have been painful. You deserved that at least, a quick and painless demise.

The sun has stopped. My world is now residing in never ending night – I have no right to complain of being lost in the dark, you gave out your sunshine so freely, Snow. I grew too used to it. You were a constellation, the milky way, a kaleidoscope of hope and pure euphoria. The day I met you, I felt my soul shatter from your loveliness, your eloquence and kindness. The day you were murdered my soul shattered for another reason entirely.

Simon, Simon, Simon. It’s only ever going to be _you._ We should have had our whole lives together, days spent bickering over who drank the last of the tea, who forgot to pay the landlady our rent, we both know it would have been you, days and nights wrapped endlessly in each other. Simon and Baz. Baz and Simon. We were a never ending song, beginning, middle and our end has been cut short.

And I shouldn’t even be writing this to you. Because it only makes the aching worse, this black hole in my chest that just seems to keep expanding, desperate to be filled with something, anything. I shouldn’t be writing this to you, because in writing you this letter there is still some small part of me that thinks you are going to read this, some lingering hope that your body isn’t mangled in the ground, that violets and daisies still grow from your skin and you breathe, breathe, breathe. I hope for things far too much.

~~You’re still missing. You’re dead.~~

You were, and will always be, the hero of my story, Simon Snow. Always.

In haste,

Baz

~~P.S. Please, please, for the love of God, don’t be dead. Don’t leave me here, and go somewhere I can’t follow.~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I apologise for not updating in ages. After my exams I literally crashed and went on a bit of a writer's block. Sorry for keeping everyone waiting, and I hope this makes up for it!


End file.
